Flight A724
by the sixth turk
Summary: How do you define incompetence? In several ways, actually. Just remember - insulting Jenova is the fastest way to death. Of course, turning Sephiroth into a piece of modern art is a close second. Slightly AU; short chapters. Utter crack.
1. Turks in the Terminal

"All ticket holders for Flight A723 please proceed to gate 12. Boarding will commence immediately. Thank you, and have a nice day."

The nasal intercom voice finally stopped rending the air and Reno took his hands off his ears. Rude, as usual, stood impassively nearby. His hands were full of miscellaneous suitcases and Reno's huge duffel bag was slung over his shoulder. The redhead carried only his electromagneto stick. Turning to his companion, he raised an eyebrow.

"Where do we dump the bags, yo?"

Rude pointed. However, Reno's grossly oversized duffel bag slid down on his arm, pinching his fingers. With a wheeze, he dropped another suitcase on his toes. Rude hopped on one foot, trying to free the other foot from what felt like a pound of bricks. Reno scratched his head.

"Maybe I shouldn't have packed my rock collection," he mused.

Rude glared at him (or maybe it was the light on his sunglasses) and dropped the other suitcase on Reno's toes. The redhead howled and began jumping around, swinging his weapon and cursing so blatantly that the little old lady behind him fainted dead away. Her companions started writing their Last Will and Testaments while performing decidedly uncouth avoidance maneuvers.

One of them bumped into the man standing behind her, causing him to drop all of his luggage on his wife's toes. She jumped and then began swearing even more colorfully than Reno; the child behind her was shocked at her appalling potty-mouth and dropped his bag on poor Auntie Hildegarde's toes. She… well, okay, you get the picture.

Reno, who was by now finished with his little hissy fit, pointed Rude toward their fallen luggage and then immediately clapped his hands to his ears as the intercom shrieked to life.

"Would the instigators of this disturbance please cease and desist? Repeat: cease and de – urk!"

The voice cut off with a strangled yelp and the intercom went mercifully silent. Reno whipped his head around, catching his ponytail in Rude's sunglasses. Rude pulled out a pocket knife and cut the offending hairs before straightening his precious eyewear.

"I will seriously worship whoever shut up that – oh… no… yo!" Reno ended with a gasp. "Rude, look!"

Rude turned as well. And grunted (how vocal!) Standing over the intercom counter with the operator's neck in his hand was a silver-haired man…

"What's he want, yo?" Reno squawked, turning back to Rude.

"What I want, Reno, is to sail the darkness of the cosmos with this plane as my vessel."

Reno jumped as Sephiroth spoke behind him. Then he narrowed his eyes. "Wait a second…you're reusing lines! That's not fair!"

"If you'll note the change from planet to plane…" said Sephiroth.

"Oh…right. Sorry. Wait a second! Why am I apologizing? I should be attacking!" Reno fumed.

"Now who's reusing lines?" said Sephiroth. "And how many seconds must I wait while you figure out what idiotic thing you're going to say next?"


	2. Making a Mess

"Boarding for Flight A724 will commence in half an hour. Would all passengers please check their luggage and…" Yazoo gritted his teeth. Apparently the airport staff had not learned their lesson.

_Perhaps it's just because Sephiroth is so obvious,_ he thought. Pulling out his Velvet Nightmare, he aimed at the wall outlet where the intercom was plugged in, pulled the trigger, and watched in satisfaction as the annoying device exploded (along with most of the wall, the desk, and the reception area).

Yazoo holstered his gunblade again and nodded in satisfaction. _Much more subtle._ He turned around and bumped into Loz, who was carrying his favorite pink security blanket. Yazoo rolled his eyes. "Must you carry that embarrassing rag around wherever we go? What happened to the nice purple one I gave you for your birthday?"

Loz sniffled. "I washed it."

Yazoo was confused. "And…?"

A tear rolled down Loz's face. "Well, it was still wet, so I thought I would dry it off."

Yazoo had a very bad feeling about where this conversation was going. "What…um…what did you dry it with?"

Loz couldn't contain himself anymore. He began sobbing, the words tumbling out from underneath the waterfall. "I'm sorry, 'Zoo. I didn't mean to ruin it. Honestly, I didn't. It was such a pretty…"

"LOZ! WHAT DID YOU DRY IT WITH?" shouted Yazoo.

Loz gave him big puppy eyes and a very convincing lower lip tremble. "A fire materia."

"WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?"

At this outburst, Loz began blubbering again. "I want Mommy," he cried.

Yazoo patted him on the shoulder, still angry about the destruction of his thoughtful gift, but wanting to calm Loz down before Kadaj arrived and yelled at them both. "Loz, Mommy is still in a box somewhere."

Loz threw himself to the floor and began beating his fists against it. Yazoo noticed with some apprehension that his socks were beginning to get wet and doubled his efforts to calm his bawling brother. Suddenly, he heard a voice.

"Brother, what is going on here?" Kadaj stomped up to the two and cast a critical glance at the rising water level in the terminal. "He told you about the little accident, did he?" Yazoo nodded.

Finally, Kadaj got fed up with the temper tantrum (he hated wearing wet leather) and pointed his finger at Loz. "Stop this nonsense at once!" he commanded. Loz was startled and quit crying as a bright green flash emitted from Kadaj's arm; a dark cloud began forming near the high ceiling of the terminal.

"Oops," said Kadaj. "I knew I should have taken that materia out of my arm…"

"Kadaj, what did you do?" Yazoo asked. "What type of materia was that?"

Kadaj's eyes darted around the terminal, where people were teaching their children how to swim. After a long pause, he answered Yazoo's question. "A summon materia."

"WHAT DID YOU SUMMON?" shouted Yazoo, not sure he wanted to hear the answer.

Kadaj smiled weakly. "Uh…Bahamut."

"WHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" Yazoo's second outburst of the day was drowned out by the familiar screech of the summoned beast. He slumped into a nearby chair. "Why is it always me?"

Yazoo looked up again as a heavy THUMP came from Bahamut's vicinity, along with a gigantic crackling noise and blue glow. "Oh, great," he said. "Look, Kadaj. It's Chocobo Hair."

Indeed it was, stepping off (well, trying to step off. He was so preoccupied with fixing his hair that he misjudged the distance to the floor and fell flat on his face) the slaughtered beast and sheathing his sword.

Yazoo looked at the halfway demolished airport terminal, sighed, and buried his face in his hands. "Loz, can I borrow your blanket for a sec?"


	3. Thou Shalt Not Insult Jenova

"If there's anything else I can get for you, sir, just call." The flight attendant bowed and strode down the aisle, through the curtains, and out of the first class section. Rufus Shinra surveyed the plane from under his hood, looking for a certain blonde swordsman and hoping to remain anonymous.

"Rufus, yo!" A loud voice cut through the quiet conversations of other people. Rufus groaned inwardly. So much for remaining unnoticed. Already heads were turning his way. If looks could kill...

His redheaded bodyguard bopped down the aisle, swinging his electromagneto stick. "You sure you can't smack a few bottoms… you know, convince the Jenova-spawned people of this airline to let me fly this hunk of metal, yo?"

Elena, Tseng, and Rude, following behind Reno, shook their heads and looked at each other. "Not after your little incident with the helicopter at the Northern Cave!" they said. At the same time, they all leaped to strangle Reno. However, three other people beat them to it.

"How dare you insinuate that our mother is responsible for the creation of such incompetent transportation personnel?"

The Turks stared at Reno, whose feet were swinging about a foot above the ground and whose neck was now in the grip of Yazoo, Kadaj, and Loz. At once, they released a very intelligent, "Huh?" The clones looked at each other. Apparently they had also used up their quota of big words.

Rufus sighed. How these people had ever become Turks was beyond him. He cleared his throat. "I think they mean that they're offended by your saying that the airline people are in some way related to them, Reno." He stroked his chin. "Or maybe they're just wondering who the father is."

Reno was abruptly dropped onto the floor (with the required minimum of cursing). "This," he said, as Kadaj stalked toward Rufus, "is getting to be a habit." He was thankful that there were no demented children sticking their grubby fingers up his nose this time.

In the middle of the commotion, caused by Turks, mini-Sephiroths, and frantic airline attendants running around trying to calm everyone down, Cloud boarded the plane. He immediately ducked as a package of peanuts went flying over his head, compliments of a now incensed Yazoo.

He spotted Rufus in the din, waving for Cloud to rescue him from the highly undignified situation in which he found himself. The swordsman darted into the chaos, spinning to avoid one of Elena's flying hairpins and nearly poking his eye out on one of Loz's super-gelled spikes. He finally reached Rufus' side, grasped the wheelchair handles, and rolled him into the relative safety of the bathroom.

Cloud perched himself on the toilet and had just reached a precarious balance when he spotted Reno coming. Cloud reached over and slammed the door, flipping the lock when the redhead proceeded to pound on it.

Just for old time's sake, the Turk shouted, "I'm still out here, yo." A resounding _THUD_ sounded from the other side. "This," Reno said, as he stared at the unyielding door, "is getting to be a habit."


	4. Of Ribbons and Telephones

"Flight A724 is clear to take off," the air traffic control tower radioed.

"Roger that," said the pilot into his headset. He wiped his hand across his brow as the whine of the plane's engines increased.

"Nervous?" asked his copilot.

"I don't know," replied the pilot. "I just have a strange feeling…"

x-x-x

Far down the runway, four individuals spotted the aircraft taxiing away. "Wonderful," said Vincent. "I think we're a little late. I told you our flight left at three, but you…didn't…listen. My self-esteem… " Beside him, Cid snorted and spit on the concrete. He opened his mouth to say something. He ended with a glare as a voice spoke up beside him.

"We cannae handle this!" squawked Cait Sith. Sitting atop Red XIII, the animatronic creature was bobbing back and forth in anxiety. Cid cursed.

"Of course we (blank) can, you (blank) little piece of (blank blank)! Now shut your (blank) mouth before I (blank) shut it for you!"

Vincent nodded and agreed with a much less colorful statement. "Let's mosey."

Cid groaned. "You've been spending time with Cloud, haven't you? Why can't you say something cool, like 'Move out'?"

Vincent deflated. "My self-esteem…oh, all right. Move out."

x-x-x

Nothing unusual had occurred so far (obviously he had no video monitors linked to the rest of the plane) and so the pilot started to relax. He was immediately un-relaxed when another aircraft appeared in his front viewscreen.

Cid, Vincent, Red XIII, and Cait Sith waved at the poor pilot from the _Sierra_. Cid opened the window, motioned for the other pilot to do the same, and shouted, "We actually had tickets for your (blank) flight, so we'll expect a (blank) refund for that. Open your (blank) cargo hatch for a (blank) minute."

He slammed the window and turned to Cait Sith and Vincent. "You two…OFF MY SHIP! I'm (blank) tired of you polluting my (blank) air." Cid maneuvered the _Sierra_ so it was just bumping the plane. He opened his aircraft's hatch and shoved the two hapless passengers through. "See you!" he yelled, and roared away.

x-x-x

Marlene was bored. She eyed the seat in front of her. Sephiroth's hair hung over the back, tempting her immensely. With a grin, she set to work.

x-x-x

Cloud and Rufus were beginning to feel very cramped. The bathroom smelled funny. And they both _really_ had to pee.

"Cloud?" said Rufus. "Would you…uh…would it be possible for you to…you know…step outside for a minute?" Cloud glared at him, but opened the door. He immediately fell into Rufus' lap as Reno's next assault on the door drove directly into his forehead. His last conscious words were, "My hair…"

Reno looked at Rufus. Rufus looked at Reno. "Um…sorry?"

Rufus sighed. And then shouted at the top of his lungs, "I NEED AIR!" Reno saved the last shreds of his non-existent dignity and rolled Rufus to the cargo hatch. Surprisingly, it was open…

x-x-x

Vincent settled into his seat. After stuffing Red XIII and Cait Sith in an abandoned pet crate, he had had them sent down to reside with the rest of the onboard animals. Finally, all was peaceful. Until he noticed the phone in the headrest of the seat in front of him. Glancing around to make sure no one was watching, Vincent snatched the phone and stuffed it under his cape. "Wait till I show Marlene," he said.

x-x-x

Sephiroth awoke from his nap and stretched. He decided it was high time to make sure the airline people knew who was really in charge. Grabbing Masamune, Sephiroth paced down to the cockpit and pushed open the door

"Tell me what you cherish most. Give me the pleasure of taking it away." Instead of fainting in fear, the pilots began…laughing.

One of them handed Sephiroth a mirror. The image staring back him had braids and an enormous pink bow crowning his head. Sephiroth's eyes narrowed. The two idiot people in front of him paled; their eyes flicked to the razor-sharp sword now sliding out of the sheath.

Sephiroth was about to give them what they deserved when Kadaj popped his head into the cockpit.

"Sephiroth!" he whined. "That mean Shinra person has something under his silly sheet and he won't tell me what it is! And…" Kadaj stopped short as he caught sight of the dolled-up General. He cocked his head.

"You look nice! You should wear your hair like that more often!" He was forced to run for his life as Sephiroth abandoned the pilots and stormed after him.

Thinking quickly, Kadaj ducked into the bathroom and grabbed Cloud. The blond had just awakened and was wondering why he was lying on the floor in a puddle of liquid. Kadaj dragged him out into the aisle, blocking Cloud's frenzied attempts to fix his blond spikes, and shoved him into Sephiroth's path.

Having momentarily distracted his attacker, Kadaj scurried to the cargo hatch, where Rufus Shinra sat in his wheelchair.

"Now," said Kadaj. He waved a hand in front of Rufus. "You _will_ show me what you're hiding." His pathetic attempt to master the art of Jedi mind tricks was forgotten as Rufus stood up and threw off the sheet. In his hand was a very familiar box.

"Hey!" yelled Kadaj, making a grab for it. "Give my mommy back!"

Rufus maneuvered the box out of Kadaj's reach. "I pity you, who lack filial piety," he said. Then he threw the container out the cargo hatch. Kadaj was still trying to figure out what Rufus had just said and didn't notice right away. Finally, he reached a conclusion and turned back to Rufus.

"Okay, now I get it! You mean…" His gaze flicked to the other's empty hands. "Where's Mother?" Rufus pointed. In the distance, the box was falling like a dropped piano…at least until the seagull swooped down, grabbed it by the tape, and flew off. Kadaj was incensed.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!" he yelled, waving his arms and jumping around in rage. This made it rather easy for Rufus to plant a boot in his rear.

Rufus watched in satisfaction as the silver-haired teenager disappeared out of sight beneath the plane. "One down, three to go," he said. And fell out of the plane.


	5. Cookies and Tea

Vincent crept over to where Marlene was sitting, clutching his cape to him. "Psssst. Marlene," he whispered. She looked over at him and raised her eyebrows.

incent opened his cape and proudly displayed the phone. Marlene snorted and opened her jacket. Lining the inside were rows upon rows of cell phones. Vincent's mouth dropped, and a tear rolled down his cheek.

"My self-esteem…" he blubbered. "Marlene has pretty phones…I have an ugly airplane phone…" He pushed the buttons. Nothing happened. "My phone doesn't even work!" he wailed. Marlene ducked lower in her seat, embarrassed that this supposedly mature adult was carrying on right in front of her seat. She patted Vincent's head.

"Here," she said, handing him a phone out of her stash, along with a generous stack of Kleenexes. "Take this and go back to your seat…PLEASE!" Vincent accepted it with a goofy grin and bopped back to his chair, where he proceeded to play with the keyboard-sized, hot pink, plastic My Little Pony phone.

Marlene rubbed a hand across her forehead and called for a flight attendant to come and mop up the soggy carpet.

x-x-x

Elena sat with Tseng, enjoying a nice cup of tea and rejoicing in the fact that for once, Reno was not around to screw up her attempts at casual conversation. A voice cut into her reflections.

"Hey 'Lena, got any extra tea, yo?"

Elena's countenance darkened to "Thundercloud Black" in a matter of seconds as the bane of her existence strolled up to the table. She was about to give the redhead a sample of her very expansive street vocabulary when Tseng gestured to the empty seat.

"Won't you join us, Reno? There's plenty of tea left." He shot a smile at Elena. She twisted her face into what she hoped was a good imitation of one.

"Yes, Reno, won't you sit down? We even saved some cookies for you." The words came out as strangled grunts and whistles between her teeth. Reno looked at her with a concerned expression.

"Are you sick or something, yo? You sound like Bahamut with laryngitis."

Elena had raised her arm to throw the pot of tea right where it counted when Sephiroth came barging by their seats, Masamune drawn and pink bows fluttering in his wake. In surprise, she let go of the teapot's handle and could only watch in horror as the hot liquid spilled all down the front of Sephiroth's leather coat.

The silver-haired man looked down at the steaming mess, up at Elena, down at his coat, and then at the smashed teapot on the floor. Awkward silence ensued.

Reno broke it. "Cookie?" he asked.


	6. How Do You Define Incompetence?

"Have you been noticing a problem with the rudder in the last half-hour?" asked the pilot.

"Yes, I have. It seems to be a bit stiff. Almost like something's stuck on it," replied the co-pilot.

"That's what I thought," mused the pilot. "I wonder…" He jerked the control stick hard to the left, and then to the right, and then to the left again.

x-x-x

_BANG!_

"Ouch."

_BANG!_

"OUCH."

_BANG!_

"OUCH!"

Rufus, caught on the rudder fin by the seat of his pants, was getting quite tired of the idiot pilots playing keep-away with the controls.

x-x-x

Sephiroth stood in front of the bathroom mirror, blissfully free from clumsy Turks and whiny clones of himself. He reached up and yanked the ribbons out of his hair. Or tried to, rather. Whoever had subjected him to such humiliation had also used a ghastly amount of hairspray. A light went on in his mind. "Cloud…"he growled. No wonder the swordsman's hair resembled a chocobo.

x-x-x

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" screamed Kadaj, plummeting through the clouds with the speed and grace of a pregnant hippopotamus. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAA -" He cut himself off, suddenly tired of yelling the same thing over and over. Kadaj decided to try something different.

"SPLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIF!" he shouted. There, that was much better. He was contemplating how next to butcher the art of spoken language when he noticed the ground.

Actually, when he noticed the ground coming towards him.

Actually, when he noticed the ground coming towards him at an extremely rapid pace, with probable impact in…

"OOOOF."

And there was still the problem of that stupid seagull flying off with Mother.

Just then, something splatted on his head.

x-x-x

When Tseng posed the question, the Turks were all busily occupied with menial tasks. Elena was scrubbing at the carpet and muttering to herself, Rude was still trying to pick up all the little pieces of the shattered teapot, and Reno was standing nearby, experimenting with the cosmetic contents of Elena's carry-on.

"Has anyone else noticed that Rufus has been gone for well over a half-hour?" Tseng asked.

Elena continued scrubbing the carpet. "Rude, hand me another toothbrush, please," she said. The tall, bald Turk handed it to her; Elena tossed the soapy, ruined one she had been using onto the pile next to her. The only one that paid any attention to Tseng was Reno. Turning from the window with his usual cheesy grin, he spread his arms and struck a pose.

"How do I look, yo?" he asked. The redhead had painted red streaks of lipstick under each of his eyes, and was sporting a coat of eye shadow at least 2 centimeters thick.

Tseng was not so easily disturbed. "Lovely."

Neither was Elena. "Here," she said, without looking up. She handed him another soapy toothbrush. "Wash it off," she ordered.

Reno accepted the toothbrush. "You're not even yelling! What's wrong with you, yo?"

Elena waved a hand. "Last season's colors. So outdated. Therefore, perfect for you. Now, wash…it…off."

Reno obediently started scrubbing at his face. The puce-green eye shadow came off with no problem, but the red streaks under his eyes were another story. "'Lena!" Reno wailed. "The lipstick's not coming off!"

Elena paid him no attention, other than to say, "It'll wear off eventually." Rude nodded.

By this time, Tseng was thoroughly, utterly, completely, absolutely, totally, wholly, entirely, fully, and perfectly frustrated with his ridiculous companions. "DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO RUFUS?" he screeched.

Reno ceased trying to scrub his face off and shrugged. "Last I saw, he was in the cargo hold, yo. That was right before…" He was going to say …_Kadaj beat the crap out of me, _but decided to leave that part out.

Elena would not let it go so easily. "Before _what_, Reno?" she said pointedly.

The redhead thought about his return to consciousness. "Right before Rufus fell out of the plane, yo," he gasped.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAT!?!?!?!"

Reno covered his ears. They really needed to work on their harmony. Didn't Tseng and Elena know that a seventh chord with a superimposed thirteenth was not a pleasant audible experience? His musings were abruptly cut short as the three Turks stampeded past him on their way to rescue their boss at all costs. Reno could almost hear the heroic music, and hated to burst their bubble, but…

"Guys?" he called. "The cargo hatch is the _other_ way, yo!" He was promptly trampled over again as Elena, Tseng, and Rude spun around and ran the other way. "Guess we're clocking out early today," he muttered, and sprinted after them.

x-x-x

Rufus swung back and forth on the rudder, thankful that the pilots had finished their crash course in "How to Use an Airplane Control Stick 101". He was beginning to enjoy the view from his rather unorthodox position when he heard a loud RRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIP.

"Why must this always happen to me?" he sighed, looking at the enormous split in his trousers. Finally, Rufus decided he'd had enough of being a human pinball. He wrenched himself free of the rudder… "Not good!" he cried… and went flying into the air, followed by a long trail of thread.

He was jerked to a halt as his trousers, still attached to the plane, pulled taut. "WHAAAaaaaahhh!" cried Rufus as he abruptly went flying the other way.

x-x-x

Three Turks were standing by the still-open cargo hatch when they saw Rufus soaring towards them. In awe of his amazing flying abilities, they bowed to the floor in respect.

Except Reno. Having just arrived, the redhead was still standing when Rufus' path of travel passed over his companions and ended right at his stomach. With a strangled OOF and many other colorful comments, the two smashed to the deck in a tangle of arms and legs. Like the supportive friends they were, Elena, Tseng, and Rude waited for a whole two seconds before they began laughing.

x-x-x

Meanwhile, Sephiroth crept ever closer to Cloud's seat, armed with a can of hairspray and a box of pink ribbons…


	7. Spray Paint and Varnish

Yazoo yawned and stretched. It had been a long, uneventful flight. However, he was not complaining. Not seeing Kadaj or any of the Turks for the past hour had done wonders for his mood.

He looked over at Loz, who was still sacked out in the seat and cutting down an entire forest in his dreams, if the snoring was any indication. Yazoo reached inside his leather coat, pulled out a Kleenex, and dabbed up the thin line of drool in the corner of his brother's mouth. He was looking around for a garbage can when he spotted Sephiroth crawling along the aisle, still accompanied by his entourage of bright pink ribbons.

"Sephiroth, what _are_ you doing?" Yazoo called.

The other man turned and gave him a murderous glare, then pointed at the seat where Cloud sprawled, unaware of his impending doom.

Yazoo covered his mouth. "Oops."

x-x-x

Sephiroth shook his head, convinced that such an inept person could not and absolutely _was not_ allowed to be his clone, and resumed his stealthy assault on Cloud's chair. Finally reaching it, he poked his head above the armrest.

The blond was sleeping soundly. Sephiroth was reassured that Cloud was perfectly oblivious at the moment (actually, oblivious all the time, in Sephiroth's opinion). The silver-haired general stood to his full height, ready to launch an all-out attack, but was distracted by the appalling amount of carpet lint on his still-tea-stained leather jacket.

He bent to pick off every last speck. When he was presentable again, Sephiroth focused on his task. It was now finding a way to avoid the can of fluorescent orange spray paint that was pointing straight at his face.

"Good to see you again…Sephiroth," said Cloud, and pushed the button.

x-x-x

Kadaj peeled himself out of the hole that his impact had made in the ground. Spitting out grass stems and more dirt than should ever exist on the planet, he gingerly reached up and touched his hair. His hand came away white and gooey.

Kadaj stood in shock for the space of 0.00000000000723 seconds and then launched himself at the seagull. He didn't care that the bird had vacated the area approximately an hour ago.

"Give Mother back, you stupid, idiotic, pathetic, brainless, obtuse, silly, daft, ridiculous, imprudent…Cloud-look-alike!" Kadaj, who was blissfully unaware that all those terms could apply to him, ran about in little circles, raising clouds of dirt and waving his arms. Until he ran into a tree.

After peeling himself out of the tree, and hoping that it wasn't becoming a habit to collide with hard objects, Kadaj resumed his ranting. Stomping his foot, he plunked his fists on his hips and yelled at the sky.

"Give Mother back this instant, or I'll - ." He was cut off when Jenova's box dropped from the sky and landed on his head. "SPLOOOOOOOOOOOOIIIIF!" Kadaj yelled, thoroughly enraged and beginning to think that he'd die of vocal chord overuse. "Mother has given me a very special gift," he sighed. "It would appear that gift is attracting solid objects." Thinking of Cloud, he added, "And birds."

x-x-x

"Finally!" huffed Cait Sith. After spending most of the flight jouncing around in a cramped pet carrier with Red XIII, he was in a terrible mood. Cait Sith pried himself free of the last remaining twists of plastic.

"Crikey, laddie!" he shouted as Red XIII's flaming tail ignited his fur. "My toupee!" he cried, hopping out of his companion's way. Straightening what little remained of the fur-piece on his head, he scowled at Red XIII. "Can't you shut that thing off?" he demanded, pointing an indignant paw at the offending appendage. Red XIII promptly sat on his tail and extinguished the flame. "Thank you," grumbled Cait Sith.

"Now, to find a way out of here…" He shoved aside a crate of squawking chocobos and climbed atop Red XIII's back. "Onward!" he commanded. His mount obliged and began threading through the maze of smelly, noisy animals. Cait Sith wrinkled his anamatronic nose and tried to ignore the slobbering female dog who was now stalking Red XIII.

x-x-x

Reno and Rufus dragged themselves off the floor of the cargo hatch. Both sported several bruises and cuts, but the latter was more concerned with holding shut the large split in his pants. Rude silently pulled a needle out of his pocket, threaded it, and knelt beside his boss to begin stitching up the gaping hole.

Elena swept her arm towards the interior of the plane, indicating that they should all proceed to safer ground. "I'm going to have to take out restraining orders on those three," she muttered.

Moments later, Elena brushed her hands off on her pants and strolled to her seat. Behind her, the other Turks sat duct-taped to their own seats.

"ShinRa's finest, yo," said Reno, pulling vainly at his restraints.

x-x-x

Vincent hurried along the aisle to the cargo hold. His pink My Little Pony phone, though it was his most prized possession, had terrible reception. And it clashed terribly with his cape. The pony stickers dancing all over it were a nice touch, though.

His musings were interrupted as he reached the still-open hatch and extended the long antenna on his phone out into the air. Vincent began to dial the number for Seventh Heaven, but was distracted by a sudden tug on the antenna.

He pulled it back into the plane. And nearly fainted in shock as Kadaj tumbled to the floor at his feet, still clutching the other end. In his hand was a box…

x-x-x

Marlene watched in surprised amusement as Sephiroth tumbled backwards, propelled by a hissing stream of orange spray. She giggled when the once-silver-haired man finally got to his feet. His face was a raccoon-like mass of orange, which was a horrible contrast to the limp pink ribbons that seemed to be permanently affixed to his hair. There was a Sephiroth-shaped outline on the wall behind him, and he wobbled around in a daze, no doubt high from all the paint fumes.

As Marlene peeked from over the top of her seat, Cloud tossed aside the now-empty can of paint and pulled out another container. With a fierce expression of concentration, Cloud began dousing Sephiroth with a coat of furniture varnish. In addition to being orange, Sephiroth was now shiny as well, with his hair sticking straight off his head and his limbs glued to his side.

With a flourish, Cloud aimed one last burst of varnish at Sephiroth's feet, sticking him to the floor and rendering him immobile. Marlene couldn't contain herself any longer. She popped out from her seat and trotted up the aisle. Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out a handful of glitter and tossed it into the air, letting it settle into the drying coat of varnish atop Sephiroth's head.

Just then, Red XIII and Cait Sith entered the main part of the plane. Transfixed by the unexpected sight of Sephiroth standing in all his non-existent glory, Red XIII dropped his tail. And watched in horror as the entire area ignited.

Cloud, who was prepared for any situation involving danger to his hair, immediately pulled out a fire extinguisher and doused the flames. They all looked at one another. Then, as one, they all turned and looked at Sephiroth. A lonely wisp of smoke rose from the top of his orange, glittery, shiny, scorched, and varnished head.

Marlene spoke for all of them. "Now what?"

x-x-x

"Oh dear," said Vincent. Kadaj was already on his feet and moving towards the inner door of the plane, leaving a trail of sticks, grass, dirt, and a white substance that the former Turk did not want to identify.

He looked down at the phone in his hand, dejectedly noticing that the antenna was broken and his favorite pony scratched. "My phone has gone bye-bye," he pouted. He knelt at the threshold of the cargo door, and extended his hand out into the air.

Shedding several tears, Vincent opened his fist and let the phone fall away. He then pulled out a scrap of paper and a pencil stub to begin composing its eulogy.

x-x-x

The door abruptly banged open. Reno, Rude, and Tseng ceased trying to escape the duct tape and looked up, afraid it might be Elena coming to check on them. But it wasn't their fellow Turk. It was someone much worse (in Rude and Tseng's opinion. Nobody was worse than Elena, as far as Reno was concerned).

Kadaj stood there in the doorway, holding a box in his hand and looking very disheveled. "Ugh," he said, and stalked back out the way he had come.

"Hey, Rude," said Reno. "Look over there, yo. A Fire Materia."

Tseng managed to bring his foot up high enough to send his shoe flying into Reno's forehead. "I know what you're thinking," he said. "And it's never going to happen. I refuse to let you anywhere near me with anything remotely flammable…including your flaming hair."

Reno looked hurt. "What's wrong with my hair, yo?" And then he grinned. Between his toes was his electro-rod. Tongue sticking out, the redhead began slowly inching it towards the materia.

Tseng drew in a sharp breath. "Reno…"

"Almost there…"

"Reno, may I remind you that…"

WHOOOOOSH! The materia ignited. When the smoke cleared, the three Turks were still sitting there, sooty and scorched…and taped.

"…duct tape doesn't melt," finished Tseng.

x-x-x

The intercom crackled, signaling all aboard the plane that the pilot was about to address them. "Attention, all passengers. We will be reaching our destination in about one hour, so please consider packing your items and injecting any tranquilizers before we land. Thank you." _Click._

Cloud glanced at Sephiroth. And then glanced the other way as a shadow fell across the room. Kadaj stood there. But that wasn't what was worrying Cloud. What did worry him was the box containing Jenova's head. The one that Kadaj was absorbing. The one that Cloud knew would turn the mildly dangerous, whiny teenager into...

The blond jumped as _Advent: One-Winged Angel_ began to play. In front of him stood Sephiroth, with Masamune drawn and dark clouds swirling around his head. Cloud's forehead furrowed in confusion. He turned around and there stood Sephiroth, orange, linty, tea-stained, and shiny. Cloud's head swiveled back and forth. Two Sephiroths, one on each side, blocking the only exits. And both were staring murderously at him.

Cloud whimpered and cowered on the floor. Until the much more dangerous-looking Sephiroth toppled to the floor in front of him. The Turks piled into the room, arguing…"See, I told you. A pocket knife works much better than a Fire Materia on duct tape!" …and picking the remains of the restraints off their clothing.

"Hey, look, yo!" said Reno. Stepping over the fallen Sephiroth, he crossed to the other one and tapped a knuckle to the varnish. "Modern art!" said the redhead. "Wonder how much we could get for him on eBay?"

Elena rolled her eyes. "Judging by the increasing numbers of fangirls and people with villain fetishes, probably around three bazillion gil," she said.

Reno's eyes widened. "Really, yo? That much?"

The blonde Turk sighed. "Three bazillion is not a number, Reno."

Sephiroth got up from the floor. "Hey, I'm the _real_ Sephiroth! Mother has chosen _me_ to destroy humankind, not that pathetic clone!"

The other Sephiroth let out what might have been an argument, but sounded more like, "Mmmmmffh urrffle errrrgunnnnnffffoofle."

The intercom crackled again, interrupting what might have become a full-blown row. "Attention, all passengers. We are now making our final approach into Edge, where there is incidentally no airport or landing strip, due to lousy script-writing. So the descent may be a little bit rough. Please fasten your seatbelts and thank you for flying with us." _Click._ The pilot sounded extremely calm – apparently he had taken his own advice about the tranquilizers.

Everyone hurried back to their seats. Well, everyone except for Sephiroth, who was still glued to the floor, and Sephiroth-who-used-to-be-Kadaj, who was trying to stop himself from being engulfed from his enormous black wing, and Cloud, who was still fixing his hair, and Cait Sith, who was gathering up the hair Cloud shed and affixing it to his toupee, and Red XIII, who was…OK, so nobody went to their seats. Until the plane began tossing around like a small child on an overdose of steroids, sugar, and caffeine, causing them to be thrown rather violently into their seats. Reno began teaching Marlene the art of choosing just the right curse word for every situation, Rude tried to protect his sunglasses from being scratched by Elena's hairpins, and Loz, still snoring, was now being blamed for hearing loss and contribution to global warming.

With a cacophony of screeching metal and screaming people, the plane finally slid to a halt…right outside Seventh Heaven. The slightly dazed and battered passengers began staggering out from the gaping hole in the side of the plane, toting various bags (and one shiny Sephiroth with a large square of carpet attached to his feet, an unfortunate side effect of being pried off the floor). A raven-haired woman emerged from the bar, wiping her hands on a rag.

"Welcome back, guys," said Tifa. "Have a nice trip?"

She did always wonder why no one bothered to answer.


End file.
